The first time I met my boyfriend, was in a gay bar. He was so tall, so big, I was a little scared of him. But then he smiled so sweetly, so adorable, and he had this cute German accent. That night I went home with him. One night became seven months. Tonight I went to the bar alone. I thought I saw my boyfriend in the crowd. His head stuck up above the others. But when I looked again, it was just a party balloon. Ever since he left, I havenít met another boy.

After leaving Berlin, Paris, and New York, he came here for a year to study film. After three years, heís been to many places. He told me, he doesnít want to abandon another boyfriend. He doesnít want another boyfriend right now. We argued about whether we should be together. I left him, many times. But in the end, I always returned to his side. After the last time I left him, we didnít talk for two weeks. When I finally phoned him, he was already gone.

We used to go to this cafť. Once, I was standing there, waiting for my coffee. Suddenly, he swept me into his arms, and we started to dance. I was so happy, I didnít care who was watching.

He left me his old Italian coffeepot. I remember he used let the coffee boil over. The first time I used the coffeepot, it smelled like his home. I almost wanted to cry. Now my home doesnít smell like anything.

My boyfriend used to watch a movie every night. He laughed at every joke, even when he didnít understand the English. Sometimes he had to stop the movie, to check the dictionary, or ask me to explain something. The next day, he practiced all the new words. He spoke like a teen from the 60ís. I used to help him with his film assignments. We even shot two films together. But I never got any pictures of him.

Since he left, it always seems to be raining. Coffee has lost its smell. Songs have lost their feeling. Everything is cold and grey.

Sometimes, in the dark, other men remind me of him.

Last night, someone on the phone told me that my boyfriend went to Los Angeles to make movies. Sometimes, at the end of a movie, I look to see if I can glimpse his name. I know that one day, Iíll find him again.